The Time I Didn't Get the Part...(A Story of Self Discipline)

  Let me take you back in time to almost one year ago, January 2015. My freshmen year of college was coming to an end and the show season for next year had just been announced. There were a ton of shows on the list that got my little eager mind racing, but one show stood out in particular. A musical set in the 1960’s on the brink of the Vietnam War called Dogfight. I did some research on all the shows and talked with my good friend Allyson Hankins about the musical (which she is in love with) and I absolutely fell in love with the idea of the show. Here is a little synopsis of what the show is:

On November 21, 1963, a group of young marines are gathered in San Fransisco the night before they ship off to Vietnam. They decide to celebrate their last night of freedom with a cruel game they call the “dogfight” where every man sets out to find the ugliest girl he can and brings her to a party. Everyone puts in money, and the man with the ugliest date wins the pot. One of the young men taking part is Eddie Birdlace, who is running out of time to find a date when he meets idealistic waitress Rose Fenny in a diner.  He invites her to the party—her very first party—and she accepts. She leaves angrily when she finds out about the bet and Eddie, feeling bad, comes to find her. After an inauspicious beginning, an awkward love story begins to unfold.

I have done few musicals in my lifetime, and the musicals I have done I have never really sung in. For me, Dogfightrepresented my chance to jump into an area of my acting that I wasn’t comfortable with and it gave me the opportunity to try to push myself and strengthen my confidence in the area of the musical. Everything about this show caught my attention. The music, the era, the story.  More importantly though, I was excited to push myself in my preparation and work for the show.

Within no time my love for the show turned into an absolute obsession.  I started weight-lifting using actual Marine workouts and tried upping my diet to help put on mass and definition to help appear believable as a soldier. I bought a U.S. Marine Corps. shirt for exercising and….okay now this is the part where you can’t judge me, I am telling you this in total

confidence…I may or may not have made a dog tag with my name on it to help with motivation for training. Okay haha roll your eyes. It’s cool! On top of the weightlifting, I also enrolled in singing lessons, got a binder ready to help with collecting articles on the Marine Corps, information on the play, the era, how to audition, vocal exercises, and I had a notebook to help me take notes on various books I got about the era (The Sixties) and about the Marines (Boys of ’67 and Bootcamp).

The year began to pass and experiences came and went. I finished my freshman year, I moved out of the dorms, I worked at a fish cannery in Alaska, started my sophomore year of college, had a fun run of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, spent Thanksgiving in Las Vegas, spent New Years in Times Square, and a couple of days in California. Through all of this my mind never let go of my overall goal…Dogfight. Finally, this brings us to this last week. One year later. All of my preparation and planning led to this. The audition. I had the musical director of the show record my song so I could practice it over the winter break and be thoroughly prepared.

My Vocal Recital for Voice Lessons

I showed up to the Fine Arts Center thirty minutes early, head shot and resume in hand, dressed in my slacks, a purple button up shirt, black tie and a black sweater (my roommate picked the combo out). I walked in to the dance studio, and got ready to sing my song. Was it the best audition? Absolutely not, but I gave it my best shot and worked with what had been given to me. I waited intently for the callback list to go up and once I learned I was on it I realized that I was one step closer to achieving the goal. This brings us to the main event of the process…the callback.

I spent the whole day prior preparing the three songs that they wanted us to sing and even organized a group rehearsal to work on matching up voices and making sure that we would all be ready for callbacks the next day. I was mainly excited for the song “Some Kind of Time”, a high paced musical number that shows off the brash cockiness of the Marines and really represents the ignorance of the guys. It would also be a wonderful chance for me to try to showcase my happy side. Almost all the roles I have played in my college career are a far cry from the fun and upbeat roles that I had back in high school. This song would finally be my chance to have some fun again and showcase a high, upbeat energy. 

I show up to callbacks with a  smile on my face and we sing through one song all together, then we get to the song “Come Back” which is a high stakes, desperate dramatic song and I am given the chance to sing this in a group. After that I get my papers ready for the song I have been waiting for, “Some Kind of Time”. I’m sitting there looking at the paper and getting ready to start working on it, when I hear “Okay…Brendon you can leave.”

I was cut.

In that moment…the whole world kind of stopped…but if I learned anything from vaudeville it’s that the first rule is never let them see you bleed. So I smiled, picked up my things and left. I walked through the empty hallway…the distant chords of “Some Kind of Time” playing in the background, almost as if I could feel the show running away into the past. When I got home I waited for what felt like an eternity to get the cast list. Minutes passed, then hours. I sat on the couch waiting, waiting, waiting. Finally the email came through. I jumped at my phone, opened the email and….

                I didn’t get it.

I mean, how do you react to that? A year worth of work just…gone. Poof. Do you get angry? Do you get sad and wallow in self-pity? Do you spite everyone who did get cast? This is something that old Brendon would have done, and it is not the right thing to do at all. In that moment of realizing I didn’t get cast, a lot of feelings went through me, I could have said things I regretted, I could have been mean and cursed everyone who got cast…but it honestly isn’t the best reaction to have. I read a great article with Michael B. Jordan (the star of  Creed) and through the whole piece the interviewer observed a great deal of self-discipline in the actor. He thought about what he was going to say or do before he did it. This was on the forefront of my mind after reading that list. Was I disappointed? Of course, that’s human nature and it is perfectly acceptable. It was a lot of work and it didn’t pay off. What isn’t okay is to start talking crap about other people and gaining a mindset of being screwed or that I am the victim.

After thinking deeply about this I realized that I was actually okay with the result. Instead of being mad at the people who were cast I decided to be excited, happy and optimistic for them. Instead of feeling screwed and being the victim I tried to find the positives that had come for the preparation. I had started practicing singing and went out for something that I have never been extremely comfortable with…plus I have a load of information stored on the Vietnam War and the Marine Corps, too.

                There are many opportunities like this where taking the low road is absolutely the easiest thing to do and it might be the most appealing, as well. But human beings are able to control one thing for certain and that is our reactions to things. Believe me, that low road look mighty appealing and I could have been justified in taking it, too. In the end, though, there is nothing to gain from it except bitter jealousy and a sense of entitlement. Why should I waste my time being angry or sad when it is not worth it? I have to remind myself that this is going to be my future career and that life isn’t like an episode of Entourage. I am not going to get every single role that I want, and this was a crucial opportunity for me to realize it and to practice my self-discipline.  

                In short, I have learned that just because I didn’t get what I wanted or because things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them too, it still isn’t an excuse to take the low road. It is perfectly acceptable and encouraged to maybe allow yourself one day to be sad or disappointed, but I can’t live there and solely focus on the negatives. I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, try to figure out what I have learned from the experience, and then move to the next project. Confidence, humility and a genuine care and feeling of support for other people are the keys to success. Always think of your actions/responses before you do or say anything.

Congratulations to all of those cast in Dogfight. I can’t wait to see you all on stage in April! 

Lego's

I’m sitting in the café section of Hastings right now and I just got done scoring the first few beats of my next class scene from the play “Picnic”. Scoring is probably one of the most mentally exhausting parts of acting so needless to say my mind has been wandering a bit. As I sit here with a drop of coffee left in my cup, a journal, a collection of William Inge plays, my laptop and my script in front of me I can’t help but stop once in a while to look around at my surroundings and to contemplate the deeper meaning of life. I guess that’s what coffee does to me at 9:00 at night….or procrastination…one of the two.

Anyway, while I was sitting here, I looked around and my eye was caught on a big shelf in the toy section right across from me. On that shelf was a big display of the greatest and most creative toys created. It had Lego’s. It’s got all the newest Star Wars collections out. Let’s see, they’ve got the Death Star Final Duel, a Snow speeder, a Wookie Warship and a plethora of other fun, interactive sets. I was half tempted to buy one….then I looked at the price. $104 for the Death Star Final Duel! I miss the day

I swear...I better not get sued for this image.

s when all I had to worry about with Legos was “I hope I don’t lose the little vent piece!” It was in this moment that I realized the horrible, terrible truth about life.

I’m growing up.

Not only was it the monetary aspect of the Lego’s that made me realize this, it was also the question of “When in the world am I going to be able to play with this?” This leads me to my next question. WHEN THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN!? It feels like just yesterday all I had to care about was being back inside before 8 for bedtime and making sure that I didn’t miss every Disney Channel original movie. I didn’t have to worry about money, food, politics, finding a woman to get married to so I don’t die alone and end the Henderson/Fogg/Gross bloodline by not bearing any children, grades, my career, bills. The list can go on and on! It seems that somewhere along the way, as the years passed by, adulthood and responsibility have sort of just sprung up on me. It’s been slowly stalking me, first at a distance, then as time moved forward it prowled closer and closer and right now it’s closing in and pulling back getting ready to spring on me!

Is that scary to think about? Absolutely! The uncertainty of where life is going to take me or what’s going to happen next utterly terrifies me at times. NOT ALL THE TIME, but let’s just say when I drive into a McDonald’s and worry about if I have enough money to get a double stack…well, that’s a scary moment when your card swipes through and you wait for that Transaction Approved sign.

It’s not completely terrible though. Sure the uncertainty can be terrifying…but it’s also exciting, too. To know that I’m on the brink of adulthood and that the actions I make now are influencing the rest of my future life, where I go and who I become. Whoever said life is a journey hit that square on the head. It’s a journey that is constantly being written as the years go by, our responsibilities increase and as independence begins to take a hold.

But who says that we have to sacrifice that younger version of ourselves?

Sure, there are a lot of things about younger me that I absolutely hated and that I never want to think about again…fourth grade and those Harry Potter glasses? Happy to do without. But that sense of innocence, the ability to live life care free with an eye that is constantly searching for adventure whether it be tangible or intangible, the mind that is colorful and creative…those are things that adulthood can never take away from me. Those are the keys to living your life your own way and making it enjoyable.

Small Roles: The Actor's Best Friend (They Just Don't Know It)

It is Sunday, 9:33 and I’m a little under 24 hours removed from the closing of Tennessee’s William’s Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Not only is it a beautiful play, but all in all this was a truly beautiful production. When I say that, it spans the WHOLE production. Beautiful set, lighting, acting and above all else I was privileged to work with truly beautiful, unique and inspirational human beings.

My role in the play was as Buster, one of the little “no-neck monstas” in charge of ruining the lead character Maggie’s day with hot buttered biscuits and skinamarinka dinka dinks. It wasn’t a HUGE role. The play was roughly 3 hours and 30 minutes long…and my total stage time probably equaled roughly 5 minutes. Sound terrible? Well, it actually wasn’t as bad as it sounds.

Every actor wants to be the lead, and anyone who says different is a liar. There is always a little part of us actors that wants to be the title character with all the lines and the most stage time. It’s that tiny narcissistic side that every human being possesses. That being said, when someone gets a “Buster”  or a “Chaplin the Valet” they can end up getting upset or wind up feeling bad about themselves. There can also be a sense of entitlement that comes out of it. After they read the cast list and see their name next to a minor character it can make their head spin thinking “I deserve better than this!” This article is specifically for that actor. The actor who has just been cast in a small role and thinks that it is the end of the world.

What a beautiful family

Let me start by telling you that IT IS NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK! In fact, you should be excited. Before you get a Rebecca Corbette in Rabbit Hole or Stanley Kowalski in Street Car you need to have those small roles. You, my friend, have just been rewarded with a chance to push your creativity to the limit. Time for an explanation on some acting lingo. In the very early stages of approaching a role you have to do your scoring and set up your Given Circumstances (the rules that set the world the play takes place in). This includes things like time period, setting, characters birthday, birthplace, etc. Basically it’s an origin story made up of events that have led them to the current period of time in which the play takes place. The way you establish your G.C.’s is through the script of the play. With the lead characters, the Givens are usually incredibly thick and the plethora of information given about the character leaves little room for creativity on the part of the actor. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not bashing lead roles (that would be stupid if I did) I’m just saying that one of the benefits of small roles is the ability to create your own Givens using the creativity of your mind.

that you’ve gotten the opportunity to play a small role before you go out and conquer the world as Rebecca Corbette in

Not much is said about Buster except that he is a no neck monsta, is from Memphis, is the son of Mae and Gooper, is a twin and plays pots as drums. No point of view is offered on his parents, no explanation of any aspirations or goals, a whole lot of room for creativity. Some actors would look at it as “I CAN DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH THIS CHARACTER! WHAT IS MY MOTIVATION! (Throws script on ground, spits on it, then proceeds to jump into his bed kicking and screaming)”. This is not the way to approach it. I decided to take what I was given and run with it.

When establishing my Givens I took into account the fact that I was the oldest of five children and I sing skinamarinka dink in the play for Big Daddy’s birthday. This was all I needed to craft the story of Buster Flynn.

It was acceptable in the 50's

MY ACTUAL ORIGIN STORY FOR BUSTER:

Buster is the oldest child in the family and is always in competition for attention from his father. He wants to grow up to be a successful author, but his parents and family don’t support him in this decision. They tend to neglect him. At home, all of his siblings ave rooms upstairs while Buster is stuck in the basement. His hobbies include watching Howdy Doody and play card games. Mainly solitaire. On Sunday its chores day. He has to clean the floorboards, empty the mouse traps and clean the cinders from the hearth. He is incredibly desperate for attention and approval from his family. It is for this reason that he subjects himself to performing tricks at his parent’s disposal, including singing skinamerinka dinka dink at Big Daddy’s 65^th birthday. It’s all a desperate search for love in Buster’s world. But despite this neglect and exclusion, he still finds it in himself to smile and have faith that everything will all work out.

Basically…I made Buster a male version of Cinderella. Only with a small role like this could I actually get away setting this as my back story and justify my overall objective of getting my father’s approval.

Cade Pierce letting me show some brotherly love!

Having a small role also allows you the opportunity to better your own acting process by giving you more time to watch the leads work. I got exceptionally lucky because each of the leads in this production of Cat were incredibly talented and dedicated to their work. Each person approached their work differently, too. I won’t name any names, because I don’t think they’d like me giving away their own personal secrets, but I still need to document them, because they will go on to influence my work and how I approach my roles. While doing read throughs with one of my very special and talented friends, it was interesting to see how he had highlighted his script. He would highlight is roles in yellow, the last sentence of the line before in pink (for the line reader to read) and what other characters said about him in blue. Another actor who I’ve looked up to, and have been slightly jealous of for the past year, but who I’m happy I got closer to this year made a special playlist with songs that he would listen to before the show. And one of the most dedicated actors I have ever met went so far as to dress up like his character at our very first cast dinner and spoke in a southern accent for the entire run of the show. I don’t think I would have been able to observe these processes if I hadn’t had the size of the role I did. The lack of stage time rewarded me with a plethora of experience and ways to approach my future productions.

I could go on FOREVER about the beauty of small roles, but I think you’ll only find that a small role is wonderful if you approach it as so. When I was cast in A Game of Love and Chance last year as a valet I hated it. I went into it with a negative mindset and it was a depressing experience for me. It’s fun for me to compare my role then to my role now. This role was probably ten times smaller, but I went into it with a positive mindset and it turned out to be one of my favorite productions that I have ever been apart of. A wonderful cast and a beautiful production team helped to make this show great. I will treasure my experience from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and the amazing people I was able to work with for the rest of my life as an actor.

All I can say to the cast and crew is thank you for being you! Much love! 

The Moment I Realized I'm Not The Best

The Drowsy Chaperone

I, like many actors, tend to have a big ego. Can you blame me? The essence of show business revolves around us. How we look, how we smell, how we hold ourselves, how tall we are, (in my case) how short we are…and also how good you are at creating an engaging and truthful experience on stage or in film. Growing up, I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I’ve wanted my face on the posters, I’ve wanted to be on the DVD’s and more importantly, I want to be the best actor I can be. The only problem is, I left high school already thinking that I was the best.

Ridiculous, right!? But let me paint the picture for you as to why I thought this. I had already had what I consider the best senior year that I could have possibly had. I was the student body president, I had a successful run as Man in Chair from The Drowsy Chaperone, I won first place at State Drama with Becca for a contemporary scene and I had been accepted into the USU acting program which only accepts 12 people every year. Reading over that it’s like I was at an all you can eat buffet where each platter helped in filling my ego. I assumed that I was the best and that my natural talent would be enough to get me through this education to get me to Los Angeles where I could become a successful actor who was capable of moving the world to the edge of their seats! “USU is so lucky to have me, I’m going to be the one who launches this program to the next level.” ….What an asshole, right!?

Flash forward to second semester of my Freshman year at USU and my Monologues class. It was here that I was introduced to Leslie Brott. Leslie…for a lack of a better word…is one of the most complex people I have ever met. She can be hilarious one second and then a fire breathing dragon the next. She’s caring, but that doesn’t mean that she’s going to put up with any bullshit. Needless to say…it was almost destined that we were going to butt heads, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. It was because of this butting of heads that I started to grow.

Monologues class is mainly focused on auditioning. Basically what happened was I would go up in front of the class and the cohort and stand in the middle of an empty stage while all of their eyes burned into me. After I overcame the initial fear, I would do the one thing that I knew how to do best…

Pull out every acting cliché in the world to try and avoid getting a note from Leslie. 

If you can think of it, I did it. I would yell, I would put my chin down to try and make my eyes look bigger, I’d pull out my smile, put my hands on me hips, walk very angrily, point, whisper for stakes and more or less try to act like I was on a TV show. This resulted in tense, rocky line delivery, down endings, a labored reading and an experience that was anything BUT believable.  

Needless to say…this cliché technique very rarely every turned out to great….okay, strike that. It NEVER turned out positively. Class would always end with Leslie yelling at me to “Just say the word! Say it like you mean it! You’re play acting, because you don’t believe in yourself, your character or what you are doing!” I’d put on a smile in class (most days) while on the inside all I could think was “This is bullshit. None of this makes sense”. I absolutely refused to accept that it was my fault. “The method is flawed! It’s ridiculous to think that you have to think out every single line!” Basically, I still had this thought in my head that I was a great actor on my own and thus I didn’t believe a single thing that Leslie was telling me. This led to frustration on both her and my end. The culmination coming when she finally had to get down on her knees pounding the floor begging me to go bigger! I looked at Leslie and told her that I had no idea what I was doing wrong. To this Leslie said “The problem that you’re reaching is that you think the method I’m teaching you is bullshit and you don’t believe me.” She didn’t blink. She looked me square in the face almost reaching my inner soul. To this, I grew some balls, looked her right back and told her “You’re right”.  This point would prove to be one of the most helpful experiences from my first year in actor training. It even came up in my end of the year evaluation when Leslie said “I really appreciated the day you had the balls to say ‘No, I don’t believe you’. You want to do all the new stuff without giving up your old tricks. Your old tricks are cliché and crappy. If you got anything this semester. You figured this out.”

And she was right. I did start to realize that…keyword was “start” to realize that.  This was the pin that popped my head and helped in starting to bring me back down to Earth. It wasn’t until the start of this past year while reading An Actors Work by Stanislavski that I realized…I’m not the best. If anything I am so far away from being the best it can’t even be measured. It’s not like it was some terrible epiphany of “Oh, I’m so terrible! I suck at acting! I will never amount to anything! I’m going to be stuck wearing a transformers suit on the Las Vegas strip!” No…It wasn’t anything like that. My epiphany was more like this.

As I lay in my bed finishing a chapter on An Actors Work, everything just clicked. I know that sounds An Actors Work follows a young actor named Kastya as he and his peers go through the Moscow Art Theatre which is a type of conservatory where they are pushed to their limits while being trained on the craft of theatre. It follows them on their course of studies in a journal format.This book completely altered my perception of the training program I’m in. Here I was thinking that this is the culmination of my acting. Everything I create here has to be beautiful, polished and utterly perfect! And this my friends…is the root of my villainous ego and the creating of my huge ego. I assumed I was at a higher level than I am actually at. This was the moment I realized that I am not the best. My friend Kenny only helped me in reiterating this for me when we struck up conversation at a birthday party for my buddy Kurt. I always assumed that Kenny hated me so I was shocked that he was talking to me. What would follow was some of the best advice I have ever received.

cliché and impossible, but there is no other way to put it. It was almost as if the past year of being pushed to the limits of my talent, yelled at by Leslie and not having the balls to take risks suddenly all synced together like a perfect puzzle and helped me in offering insight for how to approach this year. If you haven’t read it,

“Be where you’re at. Don’t worry about the future or the past, you are here, you are now. This is your training! Take advantage of that. You will never have anything like this again, so cherish it!”

My Acting Cohort. #Classof2018

He hit the nail right on the head. This is my training. I shouldn’t be here to focus on the fame, on being the greatest actor of all time or creating masterpieces in my acting classes. I am here to study. Something that I’ve never actually done, besides the occasional books I would read back in High School. This is an opportunity for me to learn new techniques and to experiment with them and fail big, because I’m allowed to do that! This is the breeding ground that will help me before I learn to go out and play with the big dogs. Granted, I still have aspirations. I still want to be on a movie poster, I

want to be able to earn a living acting and I still plan on winning an Oscar. The only thing that has changed is that I don’t expect all of that to happen to me right now anymore. In acting, I’ve learned, it’s about the process…not the product. The process helps in making the product. I’m happy I’ve finally accepted that. I’m happy that I’m not the best. All that that does is give you a thick skull that leads to you limiting yourself from learning new exciting aspects and move forward on your journey that is life! I’m fine with not being the best…it gives me something to work for. I believe that my Professor Richie Call said it best when he told me,

"Remember to get where you are, to those posters that you're looking at on your wall, there's a lot of ground to cover. You have to work your butt off". 

Boxes Don't Offer Space for Risk Taking

   I'm going to talk to you today about courage and bravery. There it is, right out the gate! That's exactly what this blog entry is going to be about today. No point in beating around the bush...plus I couldn't think of a more clever and witty way to open this thing up!

It seems that in the current times we live in so many of us are willing to settle and be content with mediocrity, complacency and overall just plain laziness. We would much rather sit inside, open up a nice cold Dr. Pepper and drink the sweet fizz while binge watching "(Insert favorite show on Netflix here)" instead of getting out into the world and try to influence change or make the most out of a given day. 

   I know, because this is me. Why go outside? I've got everything I need right here. I'm comfortable. The thought of going out and walking in public scares me because I start thinking of "Oh, what happens when someone walks by me? I'll say hi, then they'll say hi, and hopefully it stops there, but what if they keep going? Then I have to keep a conversation going? Aw hell no. I'll just turn on Call of Duty and let Mitch do all the talking for me!".  Then I'm able to psych myself out and stay in doors all day! The reason being, I'm comfortable. I find it interesting for me that a word which is literally defined as "being in a state of physical or mental comfort; contented and undisturbed" actually gets my mind racing the most and causes me extreme amounts of discomfort! Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly okay to be comfortable, but it's once we start relying on comfort and becoming completely dependent and content on being comfortable that we start to suffer. The way I see it is, being comfortable means that you aren't moving forward. To this, a lot of people will say, "But Brendon. Being uncomfortable is scary."and to that I say...you're goddamn right it's scary! That shouldn't discourage you from breaking out of those comfort zones, though. If anything it should motivate you to do it! The thought of exploring unknown territory in yourself should be looked at as an adventure of self-discovery and growth! 

   Life wasn't intended to be boring. Everyday is unique and offers unlimited possibilities, we just never take them. Because we're scared. We're scared of rejection, of judgement, of pain. I know that so often I let what other people think about me influence how I live my life incredibly too much. Or even worse, I let the ideas or the assumptions of what other people will think of me influence any possible decisions I would make. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? That I think I know exactly how people will react to a decision that I make. The question I should really be asking myself is why am I letting other people's thoughts and judgments psych me out of a possibly great experience? The answer, I expect the worst that I never take the risk and therefore miss out on the best. 

   I was having a conversation last night with one of my best friends and the question came up of my favorite book was. I didn't even have to think about it. I've read a lot of books, but the first book I ever read that truly inspired, motivated and captured me was Andrew Clements "The School Story". I first read it when I was in sixth grade, and it's been a favorite ever since. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, here's the basic rundown: 

       "Natalie's best friend, Zoe, is sure that the novel Natalie's written is good enough to be published. But how can a twelve-year-old girl publish a book? Natalie's mother is an editor for a big children's publisher, but Natalie doesn't want to ask for any favors. Then Zoe has a brilliant idea: Natalie can submit her manuscript under a pen name, with Zoe acting as her literary agent. But it's not easy for two sixth graders put themselves over as grown ups with the help of a couple real grown-ups who are supportive but skeptical. The next best-selling story could be in their hands. Can they pull it off?" 

  After having this conversation, I went rummaging through my drawers to see if I still had my copy. My heart lit up when at the bottom of the drawer I saw that familiar looking cover staring up at me. The spine was still in good shape, despite being worn from countless readings. I opened up the front cover and started reading again. Instantly, I was sucked right back into the story and I read it all in one sitting. It was interesting reading through it again after nearly three years away from it. Initially I looked at the book as a cool story about a kid who gets a book published and that if you're talented enough all of your dreams can come true! Yep, my thoughts back then had about as much meat as a vegan's dinner platter. But this last time through, it stuck a different chord with me. 

  At the very beginning of the book Natalie is having her friend Zoe read through the story she wrote. She thinks it so good and then pitches the idea to Natalie to have it published. Natalie, having been to the editors office where her mom works, knows that the odds of her getting a book published are 1 in 5,000. She would go into her mom's office and see piles and piles of hopeful submissions sitting on desks. These were nicknamed "the slush piles". Natalie looked at it as a useless idea, thinking that her submission would be rejected on the spot. She was so afraid of the thought of rejection and failure that she wasn't even willing to take the risk and put her book on the line. She didn't want to take the risk because she was scared of what others would think and because it was uncomfortable. This serves as a reoccurring theme throughout the book, as more situations pop up and Natalie thinks it's useless to try to fight them. This even happens with Natalie's mom at the editor's office, who is too afraid to stand up for what she wants and what she believes in, as well. As the story progresses, however, both of their character arcs begin to grow. With the more confidence they instill in their selves and the more they begin treating themselves with self-respect, the more they are willing to take the risks. 

  This a motif that hit me personally. For the longest time I've felt as though I've been stuck in this box of comfort and conformity. It's my safety box. As long as I stay in here, I'll be fine and nothing bad will happen to me. No one will not like me and I'll please everybody! Sounds like a pretty good deal right? Absolutely. But, there's one major flaw to this plan. I'M LIVING IN A BOX! All around me I can hear the sounds of what's going on, but there are always four walls preventing me from engaging in the events that life has to offer.  And the reason that people are pleased with me is because I'm not able to voice my opinions or my ideas against theirs. I become content, with living in a box just to make sure that other people are pleased. Not a very good way to live life in my opinion. 

  I don't know about you, but I hate the idea of living a boring life. I love the idea of going outside, meeting new people and learning more about their life stories and their experiences while also being able to contribute my own. I love the idea of being able to voice my own opinions and to stand up for myself. I love the idea of being able to explore, engage and experience the adventure that is life! But, therein lies the problem. For the longest time it's only been an idea to me. I lack the bravery required to take risks, to talk to new people and not be terrified at the idea of carrying a conversation. I lack the bravery to voice my own opinions at the fear of being ridiculed, and I've been too busy making decisions and living my life for others. 

  Frankly, I'm disappointed in the way I've been approaching life. Locked in a box with only my Pandora playing Childish Gambino till 4 o'clock in the morning. That's why I know that it's time to get a box cutter and break out of this thing! It's time to break out of the constraints of comfort and embrace the excitement and unknowing of discomfort. Time to get some courage and some bravery to go out and experience life for the gift it is. Not for other people, no. This one is for me. 

Weight Lifting: Not Just for the Gym

I promise I have an interesting and fun blog post for you, but first I bring you this video of me on a water slide at H.M.K's field day.

What a riot, but anyway, let me get on to the main meat of this blog post.

I've been home for about a month now and it's been pretty mellow thus far. With a good majority of my friends serving missions my day has pretty much consisted of eating, lifting and pooping. Now I want to focus on one of those three things...and no it's not poop so don't worry. It's not that type of blog post. However, if you want it to be shoot me an email ;). But, I find that I'm the most prolific when I'm in the gym. , but something about the mix of sweat, metal and testosterone Just really gets me going.  What I want to focus on in this post is lifting and how I'm going to start taking some of the lessons out of the gym and apply them to my personal  and professional life.

Weight lifting, truly a family affair!

My grandpa owned The Moab Fitness Center and it's basically where I grew up. I was surrounded by it all my life, but it wasn't until this last year that I truly embraced the significance it holds in bettering myself physically and mentally as well.

1. It shows me what true focus feels like
Why do I lift. This is a question that I've thought about for a while. Do I want to get a better body? Sure, I mean what human being doesn't? But, that's not the only reason I'm doing it. The main reason I'm doing it is because I enjoy doing it. It's a great stress reliever for me. The reason being that when I am fully focused on whatever exercise or exercises I am doing, all of the bullsh*t of the day drifts away. I let the music take me and I instantly know what I need to do and I do it. Plain and simple.

2. I'm content with being where I'm at and know that I will improve 
I love the idea of walking into the gym, sitting down on a bench press and lifting 300 pounds like it's nothing. But, let's face it...that's just not practical at all. Instead of 300 pounds, I bench 125. But I don't care what other people think and above all else, I don't even care what I think. I'm accepting of the fact that I'm not at the point where I can bench 300 pounds, but that doesn't frustrate me. If anything it excites me, because it gives me something to look forward to. I think that my ambition is a good thing and a bad thing. I think it's great that I have such high goals to shoot for with acting, but I also think it's terrible because I just want to be at that level right now! If I've learned anything from weight lifting it's that I need to be content with where I am and have the faith and motivation to put in the work and push my self to improve weight by weight and level by level.

3. I hold myself with a certain confidence 
One thing I learned last year is that my posture is not as great as it can be. I tend to fold my shoulders in to my body, actually that sounds painful, what I mean is that I slouch. The reason I do this is because I have a lack of confidence. I tend to play it off, but let me tell you that I am absolutely terrified of conversations and what other people think of me, because I don't think that I'm good enough or interesting to talk to or be associated with. I let the fear of the thoughts of other people infiltrate me and influence me into a point of closing off and loss of confidence....What a bullshit way to live! I'm not even gonna censor that one, because it is total bullshit! When I'm in the gym, I am there for me. I do what I want to do, how I do it. If I fail and drop a bar I don't care what anyone thinks, because I'm doing it for myself. And in thinking this way and tuning everyone else's thoughts and opinions out I find that my slouch almost disappears and I walk with straight shoulders and carry myself with a sense of confidence. In the gym I feel confident in myself. That is the main aspect I need to apply to my life more than anything!

4. I push myself and actually aim for failure. 
Without a doubt, the biggest aspect from the gym that I want to take is the desire to push myself and within the bounds of failure is where I  start to grow. I can often times feel that I'm going to fail when I first lift the bar, but it doesn't me stop, if anything it makes me embrace it even more. Now granted, it's different in a gym because it's only really me who knows I failed, but I shouldn't let the addition of a few faces and their judgments stop me from embracing the failure of going big and making daring choices! And if I fail, I simply pick myself up and try it again.
aim to fail. All year at USU I made the terrible mistake of playing it safe and hoped that I could coast my way though almost every assignment that came my way. The reason being that I wanted to be "right". I wanted  all of the the professors to stand up out of their seats and say "Wow, Brendon that was magnificent, you're absolutely magnificent! You don't need any training at all! You're the bench mark of success in this class!" I thought I was already naturally good enough that for a large majority of the year I completely neglected any of the techniques being presented to me. (Yes, I was a total ignorant asshole, I know haha). I've been so afraid of failure that I always tried to avoid it instead of striving towards it. In the gym I love that feeling of pushing myself so hard that my muscles just give out and I can't finish the routine. I LOVE THE FEELING OF FAILURE! The reason being that I know

Weight lifting is probably one of the best activities I have ever undertaken. It's not just a hobby, it's a lifestyle. Between the discipline and the desire to push myself it helps me in becoming a better and more confident individual because I am in charge! I am the one who decides to go in the gym and push past my limits both mentally and physically. Now I need to take the lessons out of the gym and embrace them in everyday life. Man, I'm excited for next year!

Brendon Henderson and the Terrible, Horrible, Not So Good, Very Bad Audition

It's been a hectic and painful weekend. If that's not an interesting start to a blog entry I don't know what is! I've entered a part of my life that I've dreaded entering. No, I'm not growing gray hair (which is surprising), but something else is growing... Wow, that sounded dirty. What I mean is my wisdom teeth are coming in and they're coming in with full force.This proved detrimental to me this past Saturday.

We had auditions for next years first play The Factory Girls and I was lucky enough to get a callback that was set for 10 a.m. Saturday morning. I went to bed Friday night feeling fine. The next morning I felt anything but. It felt like someone was trying to shove a metal pole out of my gum. Have fun visualizing that! This pain woke me up at five in the morning and kept me from getting any sleep. Soon, the pain in my mouth was mixed with nausea in my stomach. Already, I had a double bogey when it comes to callbacks. So, I got dressed and decided to lay down for a minute to see if I could sleep it off. I closed my eyes, and to my horror I woke up and looked at my phone. On the phone it says "10:05 A.M." Instantly my heart starts racing and I pop out of bed. The pain and nausea have not subdued at all. If anything they're worse. And on top of all of this, my hair is a disaster! I empty half a can of hair spray on my head, pat it down the best I can and bolt out the door running towards the Fine Arts Center. I get outside and attempt to cross the street. A black car is coming up to the crosswalk fast, so in the most passive aggressive move ever I start inching out to signal that I want to cross. He stops the car abruptly and I run to cross the street. All I hear from behind me is "Hey Bro! Yo, dude!". This was no time for conflict, so I just kept on running. I never found out what it was he wanted. Maybe he wanted to trade recipes for zucchini bread or, you know kick my ass for wanting to cross the street. Either way I had no idea.I bust through the doors of the F.A.C. at 10:10. My face is red hot, I'm sweating and out of breath. My tooth is uprooting from my gum with the strength of a blue whale and my stomach is tossing like the Atlantic Ocean in a rain storm. Perfect circumstances for a callback! I get there, check in with my friends the stage managers and within no time I'm in the Black Box.

Honestly the worst audition OF MY LIFE. I literally got in the room, read through the script trying desperately to find the words on the page while also refraining from puking all over it. I had a great scene partner in Michael Francis who helped in calming me down before the read through and who I had a blast playing off of in the scene. Once we finished, the director thanked us both and then told me that I could go. I wouldn't be reading for the play any more...

So, the cast list went up and I didn't get the part! Surprising right? It's so funny, because I try so hard
to stay as healthy as I can. Eating a balanced diet, staying active and getting enough sleep. But the one thing that got me was something that was entirely out of my control. The easiest thing to do in this situation was to get mad at myself. Call myself stupid and an idiot and completely destroy myself over one terrible audition. What would that achieve, though? It would only beat up and discourage me. Plus, who wants to take the easy option? I wasn't going to let one shitty experience completely ruin my whole day!

After I was released, I left the Fine Arts Center, went to Wal-Mart and got some Anbesol for my gum, went to the Marketplace for food and stayed there for a couple hours finishing my English project rocking out to the Scarface Soundtrack ("Turn Out the Light" by Amy Holland was my jam for that day. I've posted a link to it on the side).  The main thing I did was I allowed myself to let the audition stay in the past. Instead of crying and lamenting over the fact that I completely blew it, I didn't let it define my whole day. If anything I looked at it as, "Well, the worst has happened. How can I make this day better?" And in doing so, I actually had a very enjoyable and productive day.                                                    
Am I bummed out that I blew the callback? Oh, you bet. But hey, in a profession where auditions are going to be apart of my everyday life, I'm going to have to accept the fact that there are going to be bad auditions. But, these bad auditions will only help in making the better ones shine even brighter and give me the chance to say, "Well, I'm not gonna try that again."